Graffiti on a police station

Vandal Gets His ABCs Wrong Outside Police Station

Police Officers were spotted laughing at graffiti which appeared overnight on a police station wall, where ‘ABC’ was comically misspelt ‘ACAB’ by accident. Illiteracy amongst vandals and graffiti artists is allegedly growing, and it has…


"Gies yer money"

Edinburgh Completes Evacuation

Edinburgers have completed their evacuation of the city after the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival commenced at the end of last week. Edinburgh can now be confirmed as made-up of 55% English people, 20% foreigners, 15%…


An artist's impression of what some have deemed 'potentially provocative'

Celtic Request Pre-Emptive Fine from UEFA Ahead of Israel Match

Celtic have asked UEFA to start disciplinary proceedings against them ahead of their Champions League play-off tie against Hapoel Beer-Sheva from Israel, as Celtic supporters begin construction of a pro-Palestine pyrotechnic and gymnastic extravaganza that…


The Zika Virus has opened its doors in Scotland

Scotland Gets Into the Olympics Mood by Contracting Zika

Scotland has embraced the culture and mood of the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro by contracting the infectious virus Zika. Commentators around the country have been impressed by the effort required to make…


Child-friendly Partick Thistle mascot Kingsley

Man Not Pretending to Support Partick Thistle

The Haggis Times can exclusively reveal that it has discovered a genuine Partick Thistle supporter. We met James McKenzie, 58, a seasoned bar man, who had the following to say: “It’s been quite a hurtful…


NHS Chiefs have slammed proposals to make going on holiday easier

The SNP are trying to kill Scots, says NHS

As also reported by the Herald, anonymous health chiefs have warned that the SNP’s nefarious plot to cut airline taxes will kill an untold number of Scots. NHS Health Scotland’s response, to the Scottish Government…


Anthropologists are interviewing and psychologically assessing Glaswegians

Anthropologists Jet In To Study Glaswegians’ Obsession with Nando’s

Up until now, there has been no attempt to understand the unreasonable obsession Glaswegians have with Nando’s, but that’s all about to change. Anthropologists from the University of Amsterdam have arrived to begin their study…


Trainspotting 2 confirmed as an alternative sequel to The Terminator

Trainspotting 2 Confirmed as Sequel to The Terminator

The startling rumours that T2: Trainspotting 2 might be set in the Terminator universe have turned out to be true, after being confirmed in the film’s first teaser trailer. Director Danny Boyle has been credited…


A bus driver in Glasgow pulls over to dish out some abuse.

Glasgow Bus Drivers’ Reign of Terror “Is Escalating”

The decades-long Reign of Terror meted out by the infamously sadistic bus drivers of Glasgow has been observed as ‘increasing in ferocity’ by an ongoing study at the University of Robert Burns. The study outlines…


Police confirm that pulling off the brazen heist deserves plaudits, not cuffs.

T In The Park ATM thieves ‘Deserve The Cash’, say Police Scotland

Police Scotland have announced that while they can never condone stealing a 200lb ATM filled with tens of thousands of pounds in front of hundreds of witnesses, it is so impressive a feat that it’s…