An example of the type of defibrillator soon to be found around Glasgow

Celtic Pubs to Get Defibrillators

‘Celtic pubs’ across the country are to get defibrillators installed on premises after the risk of heart attacks rose approximately 7400% while Celtic were playing Hapoel Beer Sheva in the second leg of their UEFA…

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A train ignoring commuters at 770MPH, faster than the speed of sound

Workers Forget to Extend Subway During Renovation

Commuters discovered yesterday that those responsible for the latest renovation of the third oldest Subway in the world have again forgotten to extend the subway. Richard Conway, fish monger, told our reporter “I can’t believe…


An artist's impression of what some have deemed 'potentially provocative'

Celtic Request Pre-Emptive Fine from UEFA Ahead of Israel Match

Celtic have asked UEFA to start disciplinary proceedings against them ahead of their Champions League play-off tie against Hapoel Beer-Sheva from Israel, as Celtic supporters begin construction of a pro-Palestine pyrotechnic and gymnastic extravaganza that…


Child-friendly Partick Thistle mascot Kingsley

Man Not Pretending to Support Partick Thistle

The Haggis Times can exclusively reveal that it has discovered a genuine Partick Thistle supporter. We met James McKenzie, 58, a seasoned bar man, who had the following to say: “It’s been quite a hurtful…


Anthropologists are interviewing and psychologically assessing Glaswegians

Anthropologists Jet In To Study Glaswegians’ Obsession with Nando’s

Up until now, there has been no attempt to understand the unreasonable obsession Glaswegians have with Nando’s, but that’s all about to change. Anthropologists from the University of Amsterdam have arrived to begin their study…


A bus driver in Glasgow pulls over to dish out some abuse.

Glasgow Bus Drivers’ Reign of Terror “Is Escalating”

The decades-long Reign of Terror meted out by the infamously sadistic bus drivers of Glasgow has been observed as ‘increasing in ferocity’ by an ongoing study at the University of Robert Burns. The study outlines…


Facebook photos of the Pilots in Question

Pilots ‘May Have to Start Drinking During Flights’

The recent exposé by ‘fun-hating’ flight attendants who landed two Canadian pilots in hot water at Glasgow Aiport has caused uproar in the pilot community. Although there has been no official word from the two…


Celtic travel to Asia to face FC Astana

European Football: Celtic Draw Team From Asia

Scottish champions Celtic have booked themselves a tie in the UEFA Champions League 3rd Qualifying Round against FC Astana of Kazakhstan. FC Astana scraped through to the 3rd Qualifying Round after putting Lithuanian champions FK…