Satirical Website’s Productivity Devastated by Editors’ Jet-Setting Lifestyles

While both sweet and delicious, eating the Galapagos Tortoise is frowned uponWhile both sweet and delicious, eating the Galapagos Tortoise is frowned upon

Satirical Website ‘The Haggis Times’ has found its output plunge to record-breaking depths due to the reckless jet-setting lifestyle of its editors, having only managed to report one hard-hitting story in all of September, about a man being ejected from DFS.

Insiders claim that the small band of editors have found their newly-discovered Haggis Times wealth, said to number eight figures each, hard to handle, as they have immediately embarked on a drug-fueled hooker and fried-food binge starting in Amsterdam and accidentally ending in the Galapagos Islands. Insiders also claim that there is some tension within the group to start a Galapagos Island branch of The Haggis Times, called The Tortoise Times, but the majority apparently believe that a target audience of 25,000, a population smaller than fashionable but small Motherwell, is too niche a market.

There has also been rumours of Pagan worship of a giant golden haggis and sacrifices of Galapagoan natives, in scenes reminiscent of 1973 classic, and 2006 Nicolas Cage masterpiece, ‘The Wicker Man’ occurring on the Galapagos Islands during this time.

The editors at The Haggis Times were unavailable for comment when we tried to contact them earlier this week.

 

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