Market analysis has revealed that a proportion of Scots must be eating salad, despite nationwide denial of the activity.
The Haggis Times were given access to Morrisons’ annual sales records and found that certain vegetables were indeed sold regularly enough to warrant restocking a couple of times a year.
The news has been greeted poorly by the cynical SNP government at Holyrood, who take pride in the fact Scotland’s population is aging slower than other Western countries due to earlier death on average, as this meant pensions weren’t a worry down the line for an independent Scotland. A source close to the government suggested the eating of salad was “endangering independence”.
However, we spoke to nutritionist, Clark Eldridge, who explained that the news may not be all it seems. “I’ve worked in Scotland my entire life as a nutritionist, and I know exactly how to explain this salad usage. It’s kebabs. I know from personal experience that kebab shops use salad to make their offerings appear more exotic and foreign, but are often too heavy on the onions, which Scots are not so impressed with.”
The government however is not taking any risks, and is using its limited powers to assign a named-person to observe each citizen’s salad eating habits.Share