‘Celtic pubs’ across the country are to get defibrillators installed on premises after the risk of heart attacks rose approximately 7400% while Celtic were playing Hapoel Beer Sheva in the second leg of their UEFA Champions League Playoff.
Celtic had agreed, yet again, to give their opponents two goals of their 3 goal lead back, causing nearly an hour of brick-shitting tension as Celtic’s slipshod defence bumbled about like geriatric deer on ice, comically trying to avoid conceding a goal that would cost them £30m. Celtic ultimately won the tie, and see themselves in the Champions League Group Stages again for the first time in 2 years, which is drawn today.
Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the Celtic board are actually trying to perform genocide on their own fans, after a suspiciously similar incident occurred against FC Astana in the previous round.
Martin Coyle, who claims to not support any football team, said, “In my neutral opinion, I don’t believe in the theory that the Celtic board are fed up with their own supporters, but just couldn’t quite bring themselves to throwing away £30m. No, my theory is that Celtic are actually the best team in the world and are about to become champions of Europe under guidance of the messiah, Brendan Rodgers. They just don’t want to make it too obvious by skelping all the teams in our path. How else can you explain Gibraltar? Exactly. We’re sandbagging ourselves to lull the opposition teams into a false security.”
The Haggis Times were asked to leave Queen Elizabeth University Hospital Glasgow after the interview, but many of the new inpatients were spotted by our reporter as nodding in agreement.