Volvic water has today confirmed that it despises Catholics. It has also strenuously denied rumours the advertising campaign proclaiming their hatred will have the plug pulled across Scotland and Ireland.
William Findlay, PR manager at Volvic, commented “For too long have we turned a blind eye to Catholics drinking our refreshing and pure volcanic-grade water, but no longer. We now have enough money and global penetration to say “Fuck You” to these people without worrying too much. We made £4billion in sales last year, so the warchest is ready. Our product literally falls from the sky and comes out of taps for free — we do what we want. To commemorate this, we’re releasing a new version of our water that is tantalisingly infused with orange, which happily grows on trees. ”
The Orange Order, an old and noble organization, have slightly distanced themselves from the water company, stating that there is more to their organization than just hating Catholics, although that is very important. They also have moral concerns over bottled water, which mainly centre on the environmental impact of rampant plastic abuse, lower water standards than tap water, catalysing California’s transformation into a desert wasteland, and possible endocrine disruptions from chemicals seeping out of the plastic which could potentially sully pure protestant blood-lines.
In their ongoing outreach venture to bolster their falling numbers, the Order has also made it known to the Haggis Times that potential youthful members should be aware that they offer excellent opportunities to hatch Pokemon Go eggs, especially during the summer.