Workers Forget to Extend Subway During Renovation

A train ignoring commuters at 770MPH, faster than the speed of soundA train ignoring commuters at 770MPH, faster than the speed of sound

Commuters discovered yesterday that those responsible for the latest renovation of the third oldest Subway in the world have again forgotten to extend the subway.

Richard Conway, fish monger, told our reporter “I can’t believe I’ve walked into this station, which does indeed look like a futuristic utopia, like Minority Report, but I can basically still only use it to go to the West End for a piss-up, where it will inevitably it trap me by closing before the pubs close. Every fucking time.”

Scotland’s transport minister, Omar McIntosh, defended the lack of concentration: “While I understand frustration that the Glasgow Subway system still only has 15 stations covering a tiny part of the city versus its contemporaries London: 270, Budapest: 52, Chicago: 145, and Paris: 302, the decision the workers keep accidentally making is actually for the best. Can you imagine trying to have a subcrawl on a non-circular system over 80 stops? It would be a shambles. People would get lost. Split up. 2 pints per pub and 2 pubs per stop, is 320 pints, and that’s just not possible for women.”

The first riders of yesterday informed us that to combat the flooding the subway regularly suffers from, the subway trains are now water tight with emergency SCUBA gear including flippers dropping from the ceiling in case of emergency, as the new trains intend to plough right through the flooded tubes with reckless abandon. Other new changes include increased fares and increased need-a-shit taxes.


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