Edinburgh Completes Evacuation

"Gies yer money""Gies yer money"

Edinburgers have completed their evacuation of the city after the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival commenced at the end of last week. Edinburgh can now be confirmed as made-up of 55% English people, 20% foreigners, 15% Non-Edinburgh Scots and 10% trapped Edinburgers.

We interviewed Nigel Hastings, owner of a pony-tail: “This year the Edinburgh Fringe will be shattering all expectations with numerous ground-breaking acts. You may have heard of the invigorating reading of the 2.6m word Chilcot report. That will be good. We also have a one-man performance of Romeo and Juliet, an interpretive dance version of Top Gear, and a well-rehearsed improv group called “Blast From the Pants”.

Even accounting for Edinburgh’s year-round high-standards of insufferable characters, the Fringe is the battleground for a host of new deplorable people whose disciplines are subjective, vague or obscure enough that they cannot be as roundly mocked as their equally self-hyped and misguided singing brethren that appear on TV shows such as the X-Factor or The Voice. More problematically, the city will host a much larger influx of English attendees that Edinburgh natives insist are completely different from themselves, a claim the rest of Scotland treats with suspicion. Worst of all, the average price for a pint will tip over the £4.00 mark, making Edinburgh temporarily on-par with the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone for many Scots.

“The Haggis Life Chose Me” is performing in the Pleasance Courtyard, venue 33, with tickets priced at £25.

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