Edinburgers have completed their evacuation of the city after the annual Edinburgh Fringe Festival commenced at the end of last week. Edinburgh can now be confirmed as made-up of 55% English people, 20% foreigners, 15% Non-Edinburgh Scots and 10% trapped Edinburgers.
We interviewed Nigel Hastings, owner of a pony-tail: “This year the Edinburgh Fringe will be shattering all expectations with numerous ground-breaking acts. You may have heard of the invigorating reading of the 2.6m word Chilcot report. That will be good. We also have a one-man performance of Romeo and Juliet, an interpretive dance version of Top Gear, and a well-rehearsed improv group called “Blast From the Pants”.
Even accounting for Edinburgh’s year-round high-standards of insufferable characters, the Fringe is the battleground for a host of new deplorable people whose disciplines are subjective, vague or obscure enough that they cannot be as roundly mocked as their equally self-hyped and misguided singing brethren that appear on TV shows such as the X-Factor or The Voice. More problematically, the city will host a much larger influx of English attendees that Edinburgh natives insist are completely different from themselves, a claim the rest of Scotland treats with suspicion. Worst of all, the average price for a pint will tip over the £4.00 mark, making Edinburgh temporarily on-par with the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone for many Scots.
“The Haggis Life Chose Me” is performing in the Pleasance Courtyard, venue 33, with tickets priced at £25.Share