The SNP are trying to kill Scots, says NHS

NHS Chiefs have slammed proposals to make going on holiday easierHolidays: Endangering Your Life

As also reported by the Herald, anonymous health chiefs have warned that the SNP’s nefarious plot to cut airline taxes will kill an untold number of Scots.

NHS Health Scotland’s response, to the Scottish Government consultation in regard to removing Air Passenger Duty, claimed that enabling more of the general public to go on holiday to somewhere with dangerous sunshine would increase their risk of skin cancer to unacceptable levels. They added that the potential increase in airline usage would increase pollutants in the air, killing the public via the lungs as well.

A Scottish postcard from the future

A Scottish postcard from the future

Furthermore, it has also claimed that the SNP’s move will help lead to the Earth’s destruction, with the inevitable increase in air traffic the tax cut would result in leading to increased carbon emissions that will cause the Earth’s temperature to rise several degrees. In the short-term, an increase of several degrees could break the Gulf Stream, the ocean current to which Scotland owes thanks for its balmy temperatures. With the gulf stream destroyed due to global warming, Scotland could counter-intuitively see its temperatures plunge to Siberian tundra levels, while wind-speeds would also increase, making Hurricane Bawbag level storms a weekly occurrence, but with snow.

Health boffins have additionally pointed out that easier air travel to and from Scotland could expose the country to new levels of infectious diseases like SARS and bird flu, as well as more STDs as mingling with dirty foreign Lotharios and tanned temptresses increases.

The Haggis Times contacted Nicola Sturgeon for comment, but were informed a meeting wasn’t possible as she had flown away on holiday. However, a representative was willing to speak with us, after labouring that all MSPs are currently on holiday, not just Nicola Sturgeon. With that noted, he stated that such a move would in fact be an economic boost, has been welcomed by businesses, and is an end to a regressive tax, and helps Scotland in its battle against Vitamin D deficiency. The representative also pointed out Scotland on a map and implied that it is fairly remote, is reliant on air traffic, and would do well to increase direct links. At this point, a dossier was presented detailing that having to visit Scotland via a connection in Luton Airport is a much graver health risk than sunshine, both mentally and physically.

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