Police Scotland have announced that while they can never condone stealing a 200lb ATM filled with tens of thousands of pounds in front of hundreds of witnesses, it is so impressive a feat that it’s basically fair do’s.
The daring heist at T in the Park happened between 10pm Thursday and 8am Friday 8th July, the hours during which even the cops are not sober, and it is believed that hundreds of witnesses may have to undergo hypnotherapy to recover the information lost in drug-and-booze-fueled memory blackouts.
Detective McColumbo told our reporter “The ATM in question was kidnapped while dressed provocatively in a paint job that said ‘Cash On The Move’, and as such, was virtually asking for it. We hope this is a lesson for cash machines everywhere that it is their responsibility to avoid being the victims of ironic crime.”
The ATM itself posted pleas of help on Twitter, but its location has not yet been ascertained. Two weeks later, the ATM remains missing.
— T In The Park ATM (@TInTheParkATM) July 8, 2016
Detective McColumbo also said to the press, in a plea for information: “If anyone has information or proceeds that they wish to share with us, it is vital they get in contact.”