While Scotland has been flagging for some time in the life-expectancy tables, a new study reveals that Scotland is top of the table for quality of life.
Researchers at the University of Robert Burns completed the study this May, and they believe they have some insight into what makes Scots’ lives so wholesome.
Archie McGregor, Kt OBE FRSE MRIA FRHistS, one of Scotland’s leading historians and cultural analysts, remarked “We have identified some of the main factors, and these include:
- An enthusiastic relationship with ‘alcohol’, a known party drug and social lubricant
- 20 hours of daylight in the summer making Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) nearly non-existent during this time
- A rich tapestry of culture found in the Scottish cuisine. Specific examples include square sausage, a unique Scottish delicacy whose ingredients are a well-kept secret, Irn Bru, a luminous orange drink said to increase virility and ability to see in the dark, and ‘Tablet’, a confectionery item often compared to Nutrigrain Bars
- Appreciation of satirical websites
- High tolerance for religious differences
- A cavalier attitude towards enjoying life rather than focusing efforts on extending the part where you smell of sweet cardboard
- Variable weather creating hour-to-hour excitement and anticipation
- Frequent admiration of Wikipedia’s list of Scottish inventions
- House prices not yet being completely unattainable, remaining at merely eye-watering levels instead
- Smugness about the superior beauty of their homeland, even when admitting where they live is not included in the beautiful part.”
Boring people in Scotland and elsewhere have condemned these findings as potentially dangerous, possibly encouraging life choices that lead to lower life-expectancy, but more importantly, devaluing their own efforts at healthy living and directly siphoning happiness from themselves, because that is how it works. However, these condemnations have been roundly ignored.
The Haggis Times attempted to contact McGregor directly for further comment, but he was unavailable due to recent health concerns. We wish him a speedy recovery.Share