Scenes of Horrible Chaos - Snowfall in Glasgow

Scotland Prepares to Capitulate at Unexpected Annual Snowfall

Councils across Scotland are preparing to utilise snowfall to inflict chaos on their constituents as forecasters forecast a ‘polar plume’ for the country. The Haggis Times has been alerted that councils are well-placed to live…

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A table of moderately appetising scones.

Scone Referendum Settles Pronunciation Debate for a Generation

The recent scone pronunciation referendum result is in: sense has prevailed. Scotland continues to lead the way in correct pronunciation of scone, which is to rhyme with ‘gone’, and has saved the UK from a…


While both sweet and delicious, eating the Galapagos Tortoise is frowned upon

Satirical Website’s Productivity Devastated by Editors’ Jet-Setting Lifestyles

Satirical Website ‘The Haggis Times’ has found its output plunge to record-breaking depths due to the reckless jet-setting lifestyle of its editors, having only managed to report one hard-hitting story in all of September, about…


A man had an incident over sitting down in DFS

Man Confused by Ejection From DFS After He ‘Just Wanted a Seat’

William Wright was last week left dazed and confused after he was forcibly ejected from a DFS store in Newcraighall, Edinburgh while “just wanting a seat”. Mr Wright informed The Haggis Times that he’d become…


Analysis shows Scots may be eating salad. Example of 'salad' provided.

Scots Are Eating Salad in Secret

Market analysis has revealed that a proportion of Scots must be eating salad, despite nationwide denial of the activity. The Haggis Times were given access to Morrisons’ annual sales records and found that certain vegetables…


An example of the type of defibrillator soon to be found around Glasgow

Celtic Pubs to Get Defibrillators

‘Celtic pubs’ across the country are to get defibrillators installed on premises after the risk of heart attacks rose approximately 7400% while Celtic were playing Hapoel Beer Sheva in the second leg of their UEFA…


Volvic Water is “Orange and Proud”

Volvic water has today confirmed that it despises Catholics. It has also strenuously denied rumours the advertising campaign proclaiming their hatred will have the plug pulled across Scotland and Ireland. William Findlay, PR manager at…


Oxgangs Primary school in Edinburgh was damaged in a storm

Scottish School Walls ‘Made out of LEGO’

Freedom of Information requests have revealed that the spate of Scottish schools closing due to collapsing walls is because they were secretly made of Lego. The Haggis Times submitted the request after Lego was spotted…


Andy Murray sees a wasp during the final in Rio

Andy Murray Now in Contention to Be Dunblane’s Greatest Olympian

After winning another gold medal in men’s singles tennis at Rio 2016, the word on the street is that Andy Murray can now be taken seriously when considering Dunblane’s greatest ever Olympians. Andy Murray defeated…


A train ignoring commuters at 770MPH, faster than the speed of sound

Workers Forget to Extend Subway During Renovation

Commuters discovered yesterday that those responsible for the latest renovation of the third oldest Subway in the world have again forgotten to extend the subway. Richard Conway, fish monger, told our reporter “I can’t believe…